


Between the lines of fear and blame

by Smallkind



Series: My (rare) Homestuck angst [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coma, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Heavy Angst, Help me not be like this, It was three am, Kidsawp/bloodswap, Light Angst, Like really sad and now my friend who doesn't cry at angst is crying, M/M, Sadstuck, Suicide, Underage Drinking, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 20:58:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11631789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smallkind/pseuds/Smallkind
Summary: God dammit are so stupid. You un-crumpled the note looking it over. It said it right there. "But I'm not up to your standard, not even close". The words spun around your head, looping and twisting. It was like some type of thorny rose bush that planted into your head, and you knew you wouldn't be able to let those words go.





	Between the lines of fear and blame

Another Warning

Suicide mention, self harm mention, death, angst

Your name is Dave Egbert and you only have yourself to blame.

Now, they said it wasn't your fault, but he loved you. John loved you, and you acted like a stuck up prissy about it.

You didn't really know he liked you at first. John flirted with everyone and it was to be expected that he wasn't one who wanted to be with a permanent partner. You just assumed he just wanted to get in your pants. While you may have held some kind of feelings for the other male, you were not going to let him fuck you and leave. But you of all people should have known by the way he flirted with you more than others and always seemed to go after you attention that he was more than trying to do a fuck and run.

Well, it's too late now.

It started as a plain day, You were singing some stupid song and finishing homework when you got the call from Jane that John was in a comma at the hospital. Dirk drove you over to find many of the others already there. Jane gave you a note that was addressed to you.

You knew it could only be John's messy scribble. 

Dear Dave,

I hope I don't sound to cheesy while writing this, but, I mean I don't know how else to put it. I love you. Call it ridiculous but I do. I tried so hard for your attention and can't count every cut I felt when you shut me down. At first I just wanted to fuck you, you were good looking and so stuck up, I wanted to watch you fall to pieces in bed. But as we hung out more, and I got you to open up just a bit, I kinda wanted more. Like date you, and hold your hand, and see bad movies together. Not that it matters. I mean, you have standards, and I'm not even close. Right? I want say it's you, but its not . It's just me, a Strider who can't deal with their feelings despite the act of arrogance. If you are reading this that means I have already left you guys. I just, I hope you can forgive me once I'm gone. Though who am I to ask for forgiveness for being a wimp. That's about it, I mean why waste more of your time with my obnoxious bullshit when you can start moving on. Your (Hopefully) best friend,

John Strider

You could feel your heart tearing into pieces. "Dave?" Jane asked hesitantly, laying a hand on your shoulder. You blinked away the tears that had formed in your eyes. You felt them run down your face and hit the paper. You looked up at her and for the first time you saw tears in her eyes.

"Yeah?" you choked out as you attempted to shove you tears down. You could feel the paper crinkle in your grip as you fist tightens.

"Do you want to go see him?" She asks you.

You don't even think about it before you nod.

You stand and by her side you guys go to John's room. Your heart lurches as it sees him lying in the bed. His arms wrapped in bandages and a mark on his face to help him breathe. An Iv was hooked to his arm and the heart monitor beeped slowly.

You walked closer and sat in a chair by the bed. Jane sat by you and you didn't speak. You never were a talker, but for once you didn't have anything. It was like your mind had gone blank except for a small beacon. he's here but for how long'? "How long, until you guys pull the plug?" you manage to ask as you hand moved over to lay on his.

"Two weeks, the doctors say if he's not awake before that-" Jane cuts off. She doesn't need to go on. You understand. But you wish that you didn't have too.

You stood and in the next second took off. You couldn't stay, not any longer. You ran ignoring your name as you passed the friends that sat in the waiting room. Once outside you ran a few blocks before stopping. You caught you breath and leaned against the wall. You looked around and saw you were at the park. You moved to a bench and your phone chimed.

You ignored it.

God dammit are so stupid. You un-crumpled the note looking it over. It said it right there. "But I'm not up to your standard, not even close". The words spun around your head, looping and twisting. It was like some type of thorny rose bush that planted into your head, and you knew you wouldn't be able to let those words go. Even if he woke up, who is to say he wouldn't blame you. He asked for forgiveness, but you know it should be you asking him. Though you know you won't deserve it. Not now, or later.

When the others find you it's dark, you haven't moved and your eyes have dried, but seeing all of the sad faces of friends and family brings more tears. You feel as if you don't deserve to cry, but the tears don't listen and leak from you eyes anyway. Jane drives you home were Dirk is waiting anxiously. He opens his arms in an offering and you can't stop yourself from running into the comfort. Even if you had been stuck up when dealing with John, you were friends, and it stung to not have him with you. You cried, grossly smearing snot on one of Dirk's favorite sweaters. When the tears slowed you separated and walked back to your room. Out of energy you flop onto your bed and sleep.

Your dreams are full of John's scent, voice, and laughter. You awake with a large ache and want nothing more than to go back to seep. You hit the off button on your alarm and roll back over. You don't want to move, so you don't. You hear the door open and don't look up. You know you have school but right now, you could care less. The door opens further and Dirk speaks. "You can stay home for a few days, we already called ahead". You just barely nod at the comment.

Once you are alone again you roll onto your back at look at the ceiling. You sigh unable, and not really wanting, to go back to sleep again. You don't bother moving for a long time until your bladder demands release. You get up and use the restroom , as you pass the living room on your way back to your room, you ache as you spot the notebook of John's that was left on the the coffee table. You make a u-turn as your stomach bubbled and just barely make it to the toilet as you throw up.

Gross.

Once you complete throwing up you stumble to your room and lay down. Your door opened. "Dave, was that you" Dirk asked as he steps by your bed. You nod shakily as new tears stream down your face. last time you threw up you and John were alone for the week, He was hyped and you hid your own joy despite being as excited as him. But day two you woke up sick. He cared for you that week and it was the longest he had gone without using a pickup line. Though at the end of the week he teased you, you were the one laughing when he caught your cold. You showed up every day at his place with soup and cranberry juice for him. You said re-paying the favor, you heart said I don't want you to suffer alone. Dirk had left while you were thinking before returning with a rag. He wiped you forehead and set it to the side. "Want to talk about it" He questions.

You shake your head no, but you don't reject the hug. It's warm but you know your going to miss John's ridiculous side hugs. Where he would do it and if you said something he claimed dorky, despite it almost all being dorky to him, he would pull you into a noogie. How you wanted those back. You wanted everything back. The next few days went by with you mostly sleeping and eating very little.

When you finally decide to return to school it was because you knew you needed to occupy your mind.

When you arrived to your first class you regretted it. The teacher gave you a pitying look and you put your head down. You moved to your seat in the back. It was where you sat while John, who sat on the other side of the class, would throw stupid notes at you. For once you got though a class without being bugged. You though the day that happened would be great. Turns out it was boring, and painful, and the exact opposite. Every class that you had had with him was boring now. You didn't raise your hand, and no teacher called on you. At lunch there was one to many curious looks and whispers as you got yours. You ate alone, no food got on your glasses or in your hair. By the time the day was done, you felt worse than when it started. You felt more lonely and empty, and quiet.

Jane called you over at the end of the week. She asked if you wanted to help pack up John's room. Something in you wanted to, so you did. You walked to the Strider place. Mr Strider was no-where to be found. As usual. You went through John's things and almost felt like an invader. You made sure his turntables where safely packed up, and his swords were placed carefully away. You didn't really want to, it felt like they had already gave up on the idea John might wake up. But it's only packing it. If he wakes up they'll unpack it. If he doesn't, well, you don't want to believe he won't. So you keep helping. Jane leaves for bit to go get more boxes, this leaves you alone.

You stare around the slowly emptying room.

You hate staring around the slowly emptying room.

You stand. You know that you aren't the type to do this, but you knew John had once. You heard it numbs the pain so you want to try. You go to the fridge, of course there's beer in there. You pull one out and pop open the can. You wrinkle your nose but throw it back. You gag at the flavor

You take another drink and gag again.

After a bit you stop gagging at the flavor and the can is gone. You feel sick yet also gone. So you sit. You don't feel. And you guess it's better than the ache. When Jane finds you she calls you brother. He give you a look and you realize you fucked up. But you can't bring yourself to care. You get home and cry. When you stop crying you sleep again.

When you wake up, it hurts. You feel sick and the ache feels ten times worse. You are surprised you have more tears to cry.

When the next few days go back, you can't speak with friends, you don't speak to anyone. You've herd Dirk and Bro discussing a councilor. You don't want a councilor. You want you best friend back awake and alright.You could hear John laughing. You do count down the days until John should wake up. He doesn't wake up and before you know it, somewhere in your tear soaked, sleep filled, and huger pained haze, you mark off a day. Tomorrow they unplug John if he doesn't awake today. You want to visit him. You go with Jade by your side. You sit by his bed, and despite the fact that they say he might be able to hear you. You feel like your words fall of deaf ears.

"Hey there John, they say you can hear me. So I hope you listening. I'm sorry. You asked for forgiveness but honestly, I'm the one who should be asking. I was a bitch and you were just trying to show me love. God", you chuckle sadly, "I claim to be so much smarter than you, but I'm a fucking idiot". You lean back your head and look at he plain white hospital ceiling. "You were great, despite everything I said, you were great. Class and lunch, and honestly school in general, are boring without you". you move your gaze back to him. "And you'll be proud to know I got drunk. Sadly I didn't "loosen up", I just felt numb. Anyway, wake up, I hate to have them pull the plug on you wen I'm the one who should be there". You vision clouded with tears. You felt like a crybaby as you stood. You knew this was stupid, this wasn't some stupid movie, but you hoped, maybe, that you could have woke him.

You press a kiss to his cheek and meet Jade back in the waiting room. You nod, she stands, and you both make your way out. You won't be here when they pull it, you can't because of rules about anyone but immediate family being there. Even if you could, you couldn't. You wouldn't be able to watch that. Not now, not ever. So when Jane calls to tell you the deed is done, for once, you don't cry. You go as numb as when you dank the beer. You stare at the wall and refuse to eat until Dirk threatens to force it down you throat. You eat just enough to make him happy before you push the rest away.

At the funeral you don't speak. Your friends all do, but you can't muster words without tears getting in the way. So you listen through the stories and things they have. By the end the numb feeling has settled. He chose a song to be played when he died, but it wasn't supposed to be heard for a long time. It starts and you pick it up as the song he once herd you singing. You had wrote it. But this one was remixed out with his turntables. For some reason, for the first time in two weeks, you felt calm wash over you. At the end of the funeral Jane gives you the disc. It contains a list with other songs. You get home and put it in. You start the first track and hear John's voice.

"Alright, so this one is a beat I made after my sister so cruelly spilled by juice". You laugh. The beat starts up and of course it's a really good beat. It set to a tempo is doesn't leave and every note sounds right. You could imagine how john looked as he made it. You smile for the fist time in Days. The next starts. "Here we go, this one is a shout out to the nice guy who I totally may, or may not have, slept with on the football team". You roll your eyes as it starts up. It starts with a rough, almost harsh, beat before it tones out. It gets smoother and quieter. The beat twist and rolls around you. You could feel the story he was telling about how that night maybe meant a bit more. As it comes to an end tears prick at your eyes. This time with joy.

Each song is a story. Some are funny, Like when John did something stupid, some where sad and almost aching, some were angry, and some where just about the on night stands he had. The final one on the track was the one he wrote. "Hey guys, if you listening to this it's because I've lived my full life and am now gone". His voice was serious. "But this is a song that my best friend Dave Egbert was singing and playing out on the piano for a week after school. I finally managed to get enough down so enjoy this sweet remix". There was shuffle and then it started.

You eyes close and you lie back on your bed. You feel the music wrap around you and fill every inch of you. And maybe, you think before you doze off in a sleep with no tears, everything isn't as bad as it could be.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, shoot me for a cheesy ending. But it's 2:30 in the morning. Tbh I feel like I did pretty good job even if it is only 2772 words, I think I did I pretty good job.
> 
> This is the fist fic I finished and felt truly proud of. And that's saying something.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you had as much fun (And pain) as I did while writing it. And until next time
> 
> Bye~


End file.
